In Timothy Keller's excellent talk on Culture and Identity, he quotes Lewis Smedes as saying, "My wife has had five different husbands and they were all the same man: ME. What bound those identities together was the vows I made on my wedding day." He then continues by saying how we look back at our 15 year-old self with pity at how uninformed we were but that we do the same when we are 40 and looking back at our 30 year-old self!
This is why we can't find ourselves by simply expressing our feelings and saying, "This is me. Get over it." Our feelings are fickle. Our self-awareness changes throughout life. We move in and out of blind spots either becoming more or less aware of our own foolishness. We repress some feelings and give vent to others, not solely because we want to, but because of social and peer pressure. If you don't believe me, why do we eat more junk food when no one is watching us? Why do some people sing in the shower but never in an elevator? Why do we wear that faded, threadbare, yet comfy, t-shirt at home but never anywhere else?
We are not our feelings alone. Our identity and sense of self is also shaped by community. We find out who we are by living among others. We filter through the false and the true statements of those we esteem. Some of us are still trying to prove ourselves to an absentee father or a controlling mother who said, "You're all brawn and no brains." Or, "You aren't wired for college." Others are crushed by discovering we can't truly "be anything we want to be." Not everyone has the body to be a long-distance runner and a five-foot, 120 lb. woman can't be an NFL quarterback...at least not without a lot of broken bones and concussions.
When I was 16, I felt like no one liked me. I was timid and a bit nerdy. I liked music and literature. I didn't tell all the guys how much I liked reading, although I did. Now I like music but not as much as I did. I enjoy the outdoors a lot more. I no longer think that no one likes me. Which one is me: the 16 year old or the man I am now? Both of them. I'm more confident in who I am now, not simply because I'm letting my true feelings out but because both of those identities are held together by living in community with others and more than that, because I know my Creator and He loves both of those guys.
What is unchanging is the identity of my heavenly Father and who He says I am. That's why I need frequent meetings with Him in His Word to remind me of what is true and what is false. That's why the prayer of all prayers begins with, "Our Father." Feelings change. He doesn't. My identity needs something more solid than my feelings. As crafted in the lyrics of Pat Barrett and Anthony Brown: 'You're a good, good Father. It's who You are, who You are. And I'm loved by You. IT'S WHO I AM, WHO I AM."
GOOD GOOD FATHER, c. Capitol Christian Music Group.
My parents are in their 80's and every now and then they talk about regrets in parenting: "We just didn't have the resources you have today. We would've done it differently." I'm sure they would. And there are plenty of "Top Ten Mistakes Parents Make." But my parents did a lot of things right. Here are some of those with a few I've picked up from other great parents.
1. Read to your small children. The research proves it. Parents, especially Dads and Granddads, who read to their small children will nurture a lasting bond. Not only that, you will jump-start their love of reading.
2. Eat together and ask open-ended questions at the table. A family who eats together more than twice a week will have fewer breakdowns in relationship. Stop asking "How was your day?" and say, "Everyone, let's hear about either the best thing or the hardest thing that happened today."
3. Have a "just you and me" night with each of your kids once a month. Take them where they want to eat or play. Put a limit on the budget so they learn to choose wisely.
4. Pray together often enough that it's a habit. Pray about the hard stuff and thank God for the good stuff.
5. Have a family discussion about vacation and include everyone in the planning. Surprises are great but it's also helpful to learn about time constraints and how we can't do everything we want to do.
6. Be diligent about a weekly Sabbath. No work. No homework. Instead, worship. Play. Prepare for Sabbath the night before and talk about it like it's something to look forward to.
How about you? What did your parents do right? Sound off.
What do you say when you don't know what to say? I remember being in my 20's at a funeral when a friend said, "Thank you for coming." I almost replied, "I'm glad to be here," which would be the wrong thing to say at a funeral. But we get in the habit of certain conversation starters like, "What's up?" followed by "Nothing much." "Glad to be here" at a funeral is more like a conversation ender.
Here's what I continue to learn: some things can't be said in 140 characters. Nor does it need to be. Since when did every comment need to be tweetable or shrunk to a quote on a picture with a mountain in the background?
As I've been in this series, "Mythbusters," I've been thinking a lot about our Christian-eeze slogans we use when we don't know what to say....
"Well God won't give you more than you can handle"
"Everything happens for a reason"
"Just follow your heart"
Most of which have less to do with Biblical Christianity and more to do with our momentary social awkwardness when we'd like to gracefully exit. (Maybe the truth is it that we want to say something profound and walk away with the other person saying, "What a gentleman" or, "What a sweet girl"?)
This is the problem isn't it? We're more concerned about how we feel and our American aversion to three seconds of silence.
As most Bible readers have noticed, Job's friends were most loving when they sat with him for seven days--speechless. (c.f. Job 2:13) It was when they opened their mouths that things went south. We could learn a lot from that.
When my wife had emergency heart surgery, I was loved by 3 guys who showed up at the hospital and sat with me. Sometimes we talked and it was raw. There were no phrases I remember from their conversation. What I remember most is that they seemed to read when I needed to be quiet. Not once did I hear, "Everything happens for a reason." And man, was I grateful.
Can we retire those phrases? Yes, we're all a bit different in how we deal with stress and grief. But I'm thinking the bigger the mountain, the deeper the valley, the less we should mention the obvious and the more we should simply let the silence go by with a bit of eye contact, a hand on the shoulder. Maybe sit in the corner and read a book or show up at their house and mow the lawn. How about we say, "I'm praying for you" less often, and just pray.
We could all benefit from a bit of stillness in this world of quotable quotes.
Americans have fewer close friends than they did twenty years ago. Enough research has been done to prove it. (See Barna.Com) And as a pastor, I hear about loneliness more than ever. I'm not exempt either. Although I'm not a social media basher, I think it's partly to blame.
Here are five ways abuse of social media is making us lonely:
1. Comparing my ordinary life to their air-brushed photo-shopped highlight reel.
Most of our lives are ordinary. But if you look at social media a lot, you begin to think everyone but you has extraordinary lives 24/7. And those people that seem to have the best friends, the best looks, and the best life? They are only showing you their highlight reel. They aren't posting pictures of themselves folding laundry, loading the dishwasher, or watching Wheel of Fortune reruns, without makeup in their baggy shorts. You only see the beach photo, the awards, the smiles with the kids at the pool, the date-night at Ruth Chris. There are a few people with extraordinary lives, but most of them would probably trade you for a simple night with the fam on Taco Tuesday if they could be anonymous. Quit comparing your uncut version to their highlight reel.
2. Navel-gazing whining posts.
I don't think I've ever tweeted anything like, "I'm really bored tonight." Some of you do, and it's not moving you toward deeper friendships. Yeah, there are exceptions but generally we move away from neediness and whiners--not toward them. Do you remember dating a "clinging vine"? I did once. It was suffocating. It may be true that you are bored and need a friend. But find another way to communicate that to your "would-be" friends instead of social media. Find ways to be honest and authentic without the whining. It's driving your friends away and fosters loneliness.
3. Avoiding emotional intimacy
C.S. Lewis said, "Eros [sexual love] will have naked bodies; Friendship naked personalities." We hunger for both. You can't get true friendship behind the cover of social media posts. Loneliness thrives in surface chatter and air-brushed versions of ourselves. Turn off the phone and talk to a real person.
4. Repelling healthy, life-giving friends
We think that by posting the best version of ourselves, we will attract the kind of friends we long for. Often the truth is that by posting our highlight reel, the honest, life-giving friends we long for will look elsewhere for deeper connection. Instead of attracting the kind of people who live for others, we end up attracting insecure people who are driven by lust for more. Most of us want friends who can laugh at themselves, not pause and stare at every reflection of who they want to be.
5. Filling up on fake love
You know how you feel when your body is craving protein and you settle for a donut? It feels good in your mouth but 30 minutes later you feel sluggish and hungry? Our deepest needs cannot be met in other people. Our true self needs to feast on the boundless, satisfying love of God! God made you to be restless apart from Him. Ultimately our love tank can only be filled at the pump of Heaven--mediated through the gospel of grace, the fellowship of the Holy Spirit and unglossy versions of believers who find their identity in Christ alone.
You don't have to give up social media. Just don't expect it to give what it can't: true friendship.
So I'm sharing what were my best reads for 2018. Since I try to mix things up by reading classics as well as books more recently published, you may find some of these already on your shelf.
- The Holiness of God by R.C. Sproul. I confess I haven't read Sproul until now, after his passing. After listening to a few podcasts and finding his insight into scripture deep and insightful, I thought his books might sound like a professor with his seminary students. I was wrong about this one. From the first page, I felt like he was inviting me to discover the treasure that he had found.
- Twelve Years a Slave by Solomon Northup . I didn't want to read this book. Raised in the South, I know how dark racism can be. But this is a book everyone needs to read. It's difficult to fathom the kind of atrocities that were committed against African-American slaves right here on American soil. This is our history. We need to be reminded so we don't repeat the past.
- How to Lead When You're Not in Charge: Leveraging Influence When You Lack Authority by Clay Scroggins. Great book for an attitude adjustment about your job. We read this as a staff and found it incredibly accessible and helpful. Whether you think you're in charge or not, you answer to someone even if it's a board.
- The Unquenchable Flame by Michael Reeves. A concise overview of the reformation. After you read this book, the skirmishes in the Christian church today will seem like powder-puff football. Action-packed. Doesn't read like dry history.
- Till We Have Faces. Novel by C.S. Lewis. Enough said.
Honorable Mention:
Looking back on the nearly fifty books I read this year, I am seeing how important it is to read dead guys. While there is something appealing about the latest, greatest, brightest author, I sometimes ask myself, "Will this book pass the 100-year test?" When the author is dead and this computer is in the electronics graveyard, will this book still hold the same worth?
How many books have you read that are at least 100 years old? Yep, it's harder reading. Our language has changed. Street lingo has replaced the more stiff and proper English that's ten decades old or more. I'm not saying that we need to go back to that kind of writing and speaking--just acknowledging that it is more difficult to read, takes more concentration and may require a dictionary at your fingertips. But it's worth it. And if you're like me and find that English almost too pithy to understand, get a modern translation of the ancient work and you'll still get the benefit of reading an author who has outlived his life.
Take this quote from Augustine of Hippo from somewhere around the 5th century: For I was not yet lowly enough to hold the lowly Jesus as my God, nor did I know what lesson His embracing of our weakness was to teach. For Your Word, the eternal Truth, towering above the highest parts of Your creation, lifts up to Himself those that were cast down.
Augustine, Saint. The Confessions: A New Translation (2017) (Kindle Locations 1914-1916). UNKNOWN. Kindle Edition.
Here, Augustine speaks of his pre-conversion thinking. Augustine, trained in rhetoric, a brilliant student of philosophy, could match the wits of most any know-it-all of his day. Yet on reflection, he realizes his pride prevented him from embracing the One who made Himself nothing.
I need to hear this and you do too. If you're intrigued by information like I am, by the clever, brilliant minds of the 21 century, try steeping yourself in the thought-life of Augustine, Paul Bunyan, John Owen, or even a younger dead guy like C.S. Lewis. No, not exclusively. But now and then we need to read something that is older than we are.
I can't watch the news late at night. If I do, I lie awake trying to solve the world's problems. Not my wife. Actually, I might say, she WANTS to see the news at night. I finally learned that trying to convince her otherwise wasn't good for our marriage. So now, I simply, go to bed or read!
Recently, I finished the book "Factfulness" by Hans Rosling. It reminded me why I struggle with watching the news. Let me first go on record by saying that I don't believe all news is fake news. But after all, they are selling something. Their survival is based on viewership.
Rosling makes the point throughout his book that humans are drawn to fearful news. We all know that positive news can be boring. i.e. "Nothing to report today. All is well." While we say we'd love to have a newscast like that, probably none of us would tune in.
It's been a month or more since I read the book but since then I've found myself applying some of the principles he suggests. While these aren't necessarily from the book, here are some thoughts about watching the news:
1. Be skeptical of reports that use words like: biggest ever, massive, shrinking, etc. Digging down into these reports, you often find sketchy stats.
2. Remember that bad things have always happened. We just never were hearing these things from the four corners of the earth in a matter of seconds. (Thank you, technology.)
3. Don't be a cynic, but don't be duped either. No report is completely unbiased. Even if it contains facts, it is still shared from a point of view.
4. Try to watch or read opposite points of view. We tend to like news reports that share our worldview. But we don't always get the full story. The truth is often somewhere in the middle.
5. Read a biography or some history then watch the news. You think American politics is divided today? Read some pieces about life during the American Revolution and the Civil War. What candidates say about each other today will sound like Girl Scout banter by comparison.
6. I know I said "Five Ways" but here's one more: Catch up on the news some time besides late at night. You'll sleep better!
