FOUR WAYS TO A BETTER MARRIAGE THAT MAY SURPRISE YOU

I have a shelf designated for books on marriage. I'd say I've read 20 or more of them. Some are stellar and worth reading more than once. My top three would be:

• Sacred Marriage by Gary Thomas
• The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman
• Love and Respect by Emerson Eggerichs

If those authors are much more experienced and knowledgeable than I am, why then would I propose four things regarding marriage? Isn't that…presumptuous? Or worse…pretentious? Maybe. But here goes. 

1. Get godly, biblically-literate friends. I don’t mean someone to do coffee with or watch the game. Neither do I mean someone who will commiserate with you about how much of a devil your spouse is. I mean someone you can tell the worst about yourself and then will not shame you but pronounce forgiveness to you and call you to forsake your sin. Whether it’s someone in your small group or a friend from another church. Get one or two “dung buddies” who know the best and worst about you. 

Girl, your spouse cannot be your everything. He's not your girlfriend. Don't expect him to act like one. You need someone else. And guy, you do too. Your wife can be your best friend. But she should not be your ONLY friend. 

2. Read your Bible and pray everyday. Yep. You knew I would say it. And you think, “Gosh, I’ve tried that. It didn’t help.” That's your problem. You tried and then you stopped. I mean it. Open the Book and talk with God EVERYDAY. Yeah, you can miss now and then but don’t quit. Over time, the presence of the Holy Spirit will correct you, shape you and point out what needs to change in you. How do I know? Because it happens to me all the time. 

(I put this as #2 not because it's a second level priority, but so you wouldn't shut me down and say, "He's a pastor. Here he goes about Bible and prayer. I've heard all this before!")

3. Pray together as a couple at least once a week for 30 minutes. Satan will fight you on this! He will find every reason in the world why you can't:

• “I’m not good at praying out loud.” To which I say, “being good at it" is not the point. If you think you’re good it, then you have other problems. 
• “We have nothing to say after 5 minutes of praying for the money and the kids.” Okay. Then wait there in His presence and thank Him for 50 things! Sit on your deck with your coffee and talk with God about all you're experiencing as a couple. Share your gratitude, your worries, and your griefs. You’ll find deep emotional connection with your spouse after pursuing this practice for more than a month. Jesus isn’t impressed with your words and neither is He nervous about silence.
• “We have too much to do to pray.” Maybe you do. So eliminate a TV series or a game app and pray for 30 minutes once a week. 

Guys. Here's a question: Would you take a bullet for your wife? Mostly likely you'll say, yes. Then you have enough courage to pray publicly! Get over yourself. 

4. Get a hobby you both like and do it together. It may be taking a class on photography. Might be deer hunting, cooking or beekeeping. But get at least one hobby you can both enjoy. The best ones are ones you can discover together. But old hobbies work too.  

So there you go! Surprised? Disagree? Then sound off.

The Duct Tape of Marriage

Duct tape doesn't fix anything, but it CAN hold things together until they are.

Last Sunday night, we talked about "God's Good Gift." The focus of our talk was about how God makes us one in marriage. We looked at the first time this is mentioned in Genesis and Jesus' echo of this in Matt 19 verse 6, where Jesus mentions the phrase, "what God has joined together." When a couple makes the covenant in a wedding ceremony and then affirms that covenant when they are first united physically, God makes 'one out of two', both physically and emotionally. Somehow, I believe the Bible also confirms there is a linking of spirits as well, whether good or bad. (See 1 Corinthians 6:16.)

We don't understand covenant these days. But in the Bible, covenant is a big deal. Every covenant had a seal that was an outward symbol of the agreement: Abrahamic Covenant (circumcision), Noahic covenant (rainbow), Christian (baptism, communion). I believe that sex is the seal of marriage. Every time they are physically intimate they reaffirm their covenant.

No, "God's Good Gift" doesn't solve all the problems in marriage such as poor communication, lack of romance, mistrust, lack of encouragement, baggage from previous relationships. But it does help keep the marriage together in tough times. Just like duct tape doesn't fix problems, it can hold things together until it's really fixed.

To Wed or Not to Wed

After Father's Day and Mother's Day, Becki and I were talking about someone who had recently married. And so little thought went into the marriage. So much centered around how they felt, how cute he was and what kind of wedding they would have. Little consideration was given to the much more important stuff...like where did this person get their ideas about marriage?

Mostly, we don't learn about how to treat each other from a book. We learn by watching. So here's the clue about how to choose a mate: Watch how their parents treat each other. If the Mom treats the Dad like he's a moron...well... don't be surprised if when you're married you get the same treatment...after the honeymoon, of course. If your guy's Dad treats the wife with respect, grace and dignity, then you're probably getting a good guy.

Every fight, every conversation, every gift, every hug is a lesson in pre-marital counseling for those looking on. Even when the kids roll their eyes!

Becki and I are so grateful for the legacy we have. My parents are around STL right now and I have deep respect for them. My wife's folks were here for Mother's Day. (Here's a photo of her Mom and Dad). If my wife grows up to be like her mother, I don't have anything to worry about!

Now you may not have the same respect for your parents as we do. You may look at his parents and groan. That doesn't mean you have to be a statistic or another casualty. You can break the mold! We have many friends that are not repeating the cycles of their family. God's grace can break those destructive patterns.

But if you happen to be one of those who is considering marriage, it's a good idea to check out the parents. It may speed up your decision!