Americans have fewer close friends than they did twenty years ago. Enough research has been done to prove it. (See Barna.Com) And as a pastor, I hear about loneliness more than ever. I'm not exempt either. Although I'm not a social media basher, I think it's partly to blame.
Here are five ways abuse of social media is making us lonely:
1. Comparing my ordinary life to their air-brushed photo-shopped highlight reel.
Most of our lives are ordinary. But if you look at social media a lot, you begin to think everyone but you has extraordinary lives 24/7. And those people that seem to have the best friends, the best looks, and the best life? They are only showing you their highlight reel. They aren't posting pictures of themselves folding laundry, loading the dishwasher, or watching Wheel of Fortune reruns, without makeup in their baggy shorts. You only see the beach photo, the awards, the smiles with the kids at the pool, the date-night at Ruth Chris. There are a few people with extraordinary lives, but most of them would probably trade you for a simple night with the fam on Taco Tuesday if they could be anonymous. Quit comparing your uncut version to their highlight reel.
2. Navel-gazing whining posts.
I don't think I've ever tweeted anything like, "I'm really bored tonight." Some of you do, and it's not moving you toward deeper friendships. Yeah, there are exceptions but generally we move away from neediness and whiners--not toward them. Do you remember dating a "clinging vine"? I did once. It was suffocating. It may be true that you are bored and need a friend. But find another way to communicate that to your "would-be" friends instead of social media. Find ways to be honest and authentic without the whining. It's driving your friends away and fosters loneliness.
3. Avoiding emotional intimacy
C.S. Lewis said, "Eros [sexual love] will have naked bodies; Friendship naked personalities." We hunger for both. You can't get true friendship behind the cover of social media posts. Loneliness thrives in surface chatter and air-brushed versions of ourselves. Turn off the phone and talk to a real person.
4. Repelling healthy, life-giving friends
We think that by posting the best version of ourselves, we will attract the kind of friends we long for. Often the truth is that by posting our highlight reel, the honest, life-giving friends we long for will look elsewhere for deeper connection. Instead of attracting the kind of people who live for others, we end up attracting insecure people who are driven by lust for more. Most of us want friends who can laugh at themselves, not pause and stare at every reflection of who they want to be.
5. Filling up on fake love
You know how you feel when your body is craving protein and you settle for a donut? It feels good in your mouth but 30 minutes later you feel sluggish and hungry? Our deepest needs cannot be met in other people. Our true self needs to feast on the boundless, satisfying love of God! God made you to be restless apart from Him. Ultimately our love tank can only be filled at the pump of Heaven--mediated through the gospel of grace, the fellowship of the Holy Spirit and unglossy versions of believers who find their identity in Christ alone.
You don't have to give up social media. Just don't expect it to give what it can't: true friendship.
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