My parents are in their 80's and every now and then they talk about regrets in parenting: "We just didn't have the resources you have today. We would've done it differently." I'm sure they would. And there are plenty of "Top Ten Mistakes Parents Make." But my parents did a lot of things right. Here are some of those with a few I've picked up from other great parents.
1. Read to your small children. The research proves it. Parents, especially Dads and Granddads, who read to their small children will nurture a lasting bond. Not only that, you will jump-start their love of reading.
2. Eat together and ask open-ended questions at the table. A family who eats together more than twice a week will have fewer breakdowns in relationship. Stop asking "How was your day?" and say, "Everyone, let's hear about either the best thing or the hardest thing that happened today."
3. Have a "just you and me" night with each of your kids once a month. Take them where they want to eat or play. Put a limit on the budget so they learn to choose wisely.
4. Pray together often enough that it's a habit. Pray about the hard stuff and thank God for the good stuff.
5. Have a family discussion about vacation and include everyone in the planning. Surprises are great but it's also helpful to learn about time constraints and how we can't do everything we want to do.
6. Be diligent about a weekly Sabbath. No work. No homework. Instead, worship. Play. Prepare for Sabbath the night before and talk about it like it's something to look forward to.
How about you? What did your parents do right? Sound off.
What do you say when you don't know what to say? I remember being in my 20's at a funeral when a friend said, "Thank you for coming." I almost replied, "I'm glad to be here," which would be the wrong thing to say at a funeral. But we get in the habit of certain conversation starters like, "What's up?" followed by "Nothing much." "Glad to be here" at a funeral is more like a conversation ender.
Here's what I continue to learn: some things can't be said in 140 characters. Nor does it need to be. Since when did every comment need to be tweetable or shrunk to a quote on a picture with a mountain in the background?
As I've been in this series, "Mythbusters," I've been thinking a lot about our Christian-eeze slogans we use when we don't know what to say....
"Well God won't give you more than you can handle"
"Everything happens for a reason"
"Just follow your heart"
Most of which have less to do with Biblical Christianity and more to do with our momentary social awkwardness when we'd like to gracefully exit. (Maybe the truth is it that we want to say something profound and walk away with the other person saying, "What a gentleman" or, "What a sweet girl"?)
This is the problem isn't it? We're more concerned about how we feel and our American aversion to three seconds of silence.
As most Bible readers have noticed, Job's friends were most loving when they sat with him for seven days--speechless. (c.f. Job 2:13) It was when they opened their mouths that things went south. We could learn a lot from that.
When my wife had emergency heart surgery, I was loved by 3 guys who showed up at the hospital and sat with me. Sometimes we talked and it was raw. There were no phrases I remember from their conversation. What I remember most is that they seemed to read when I needed to be quiet. Not once did I hear, "Everything happens for a reason." And man, was I grateful.
Can we retire those phrases? Yes, we're all a bit different in how we deal with stress and grief. But I'm thinking the bigger the mountain, the deeper the valley, the less we should mention the obvious and the more we should simply let the silence go by with a bit of eye contact, a hand on the shoulder. Maybe sit in the corner and read a book or show up at their house and mow the lawn. How about we say, "I'm praying for you" less often, and just pray.
We could all benefit from a bit of stillness in this world of quotable quotes.
Americans have fewer close friends than they did twenty years ago. Enough research has been done to prove it. (See Barna.Com) And as a pastor, I hear about loneliness more than ever. I'm not exempt either. Although I'm not a social media basher, I think it's partly to blame.
Here are five ways abuse of social media is making us lonely:
1. Comparing my ordinary life to their air-brushed photo-shopped highlight reel.
Most of our lives are ordinary. But if you look at social media a lot, you begin to think everyone but you has extraordinary lives 24/7. And those people that seem to have the best friends, the best looks, and the best life? They are only showing you their highlight reel. They aren't posting pictures of themselves folding laundry, loading the dishwasher, or watching Wheel of Fortune reruns, without makeup in their baggy shorts. You only see the beach photo, the awards, the smiles with the kids at the pool, the date-night at Ruth Chris. There are a few people with extraordinary lives, but most of them would probably trade you for a simple night with the fam on Taco Tuesday if they could be anonymous. Quit comparing your uncut version to their highlight reel.
2. Navel-gazing whining posts.
I don't think I've ever tweeted anything like, "I'm really bored tonight." Some of you do, and it's not moving you toward deeper friendships. Yeah, there are exceptions but generally we move away from neediness and whiners--not toward them. Do you remember dating a "clinging vine"? I did once. It was suffocating. It may be true that you are bored and need a friend. But find another way to communicate that to your "would-be" friends instead of social media. Find ways to be honest and authentic without the whining. It's driving your friends away and fosters loneliness.
3. Avoiding emotional intimacy
C.S. Lewis said, "Eros [sexual love] will have naked bodies; Friendship naked personalities." We hunger for both. You can't get true friendship behind the cover of social media posts. Loneliness thrives in surface chatter and air-brushed versions of ourselves. Turn off the phone and talk to a real person.
4. Repelling healthy, life-giving friends
We think that by posting the best version of ourselves, we will attract the kind of friends we long for. Often the truth is that by posting our highlight reel, the honest, life-giving friends we long for will look elsewhere for deeper connection. Instead of attracting the kind of people who live for others, we end up attracting insecure people who are driven by lust for more. Most of us want friends who can laugh at themselves, not pause and stare at every reflection of who they want to be.
5. Filling up on fake love
You know how you feel when your body is craving protein and you settle for a donut? It feels good in your mouth but 30 minutes later you feel sluggish and hungry? Our deepest needs cannot be met in other people. Our true self needs to feast on the boundless, satisfying love of God! God made you to be restless apart from Him. Ultimately our love tank can only be filled at the pump of Heaven--mediated through the gospel of grace, the fellowship of the Holy Spirit and unglossy versions of believers who find their identity in Christ alone.
You don't have to give up social media. Just don't expect it to give what it can't: true friendship.
