Can We Be Friends?

I was talking with a Dad of a teenager recently as we lamented about teens who won't talk on the phone. You know...the text-only crowd. He corrected me and said actually there is a new phenom: teens that think it's cool to talk instead of texting. Maybe the old idea of having a live conversation is making a comeback?

It's probably too soon to see if there's a trend, and one conversation with a Dad isn't scientific data, but I hope he's right. The lost art of good conversation is a treasure and it's a chief way of loving others. 

People who don't feel connected, or suffer with loneliness are often having few meaningful conversations. Therapists and counselors are filling in some of the gap, but there's nothing that can replace being heard by someone who knows you deeply. But it's risky, isn't it? 

When we were in 1st grade, it seemed simpler. You sent a note. You asked them, "Can we be friends? Check the box yes/no." And DONE! Little guesswork until we got older and began the relationship dance. (Is he still my friend? Guess I'll wait until my birthday and find out for sure! Did they call me when they were passing through? Am I doing all the calling and texting?) It's more complicated! 

If conversation is a key to deeper friendship, then we need to do it well. I'm not the best at it, but here are a few things I've learned along the way. 

KEYS TO GREAT CONVERSATION

1. Be a great listener. Yep, that's right. Great conversation starts with being a avid listener. People want to talk about themselves. Give them that gift. Listen well by asking questions and be interested in what they are telling you. Instead of thinking about what you're going to say next, listen.

2. Use the FORD method. Maybe you've seen this acrostic. It's a great one. 

• Family. Ask open-ended questions about their family. By open-ended, I mean any question that doesn't lead to a simple yes/no response. Instead of "Do you have a large family?" ask specific questions: How many siblings to you have? What was it like growing up as the youngest? 
• Occupation. Guys especially like to talk about what they do but women do too: Where do you work? How did you get interested in that line of work? 
• Recreation: So what do you do with your down time? How did you get into that? Who do you do it with? 
• Dreams/Desires: This is the deeper level of conversation. When you get to this level, you're getting closer to the heart: What would you do if money were no object? Why is that important to you? 

3. Use the five journalism questions: what, when, where, why, how. While it's not an interview and it needs to ebb and flow, generally, those questions help lead you somewhere other than yes/no.  

4. Share your own story. As you become a great listener, it is a loving thing for you to equally share about yourself. Conversation isn't an interview. Lean into being a great listener but also open up the windows to your own soul. 

Hopefully, you'll discover that beautiful moment that C.S. Lewis writes about: 

“Friendship ... is born at the moment when one man says to another "What! You too? I thought that no one but myself . . .”

― C.S. Lewis, The Four Loves

Anything you would add? Join the conversation. :-)