"I don't know what I did but she apparently thinks I do." The older Mom of an adult daughter wept as she told the story. "I thought we had a good relationship. Of course there were moments when we were frustrated and downright angry with each other. But I don't recall any major fight before the long silence." Days, weeks, then months. Nothing. Although the Mom continued to reach out, there was little or no response to any of her calls. And the worst part? No explanation. Until one day the Mom drove to the daughter's house, walked to the door and knocked. When the daughter came to the door, the Mom asked if she could come in. "No. You're not welcome here." When the Mom pleaded and said, "I don't understand. Can we talk?" "No. You know what you did and I won't let it go." Then she shut the door. As far as I know the Mom and the daughter never reconciled.
I've had experiences like that. Maybe you have. Today they call it being "ghosted." It's when someone suddenly breaks off a friendship or relationship and there is no explanation. When you text or call, there is no response or if there is one, it's one or two words, or worse...an emoticon. Argh. It could be a long-term friendship like one I heard of. Two couples who played cards every other week, frequently had date nights together and went on short road trips. Then after one card game that got a little squirrelly, one couple got ticked off and stormed out the door. Although the other party tried to reconcile, it was over. Silence. A friendship that was years in the making was suddenly over. Ghosted.
We expect things like this from the world. But it's shocking when it happens in God's family. In my view, it's simply unchristian. How can we "ghost" people and still obey this?
Make allowance for each other’s faults, and forgive anyone who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others. (Colossians 3:13 NLT)
Yes, I recognize that some friendships can't be the same after major fallout. Boundaries have to be exercised to maintain emotional safety. That's understandable and healthy. But forgiveness and restoration of relationship are two different things.
Still, how do we cope when we are ghosted? It feels like someone has suddenly gone missing or like we're living with the specter of a loved one's suicide. It's the unanswered questions that you're forced to live with: "What did I do? I don't understand. What about all the years of friendship? Were they faking?"
Here are a few ways to help us cope:
1. Realize it may have nothing to do with you.
It's hard the first time you realize not everyone likes you. Usually, it happens as a child or teenager. We begin life thinking that if someone doesn't like us, it's something we did wrong. We correct it. We make up. We move on. But then you discover that there are some people who simply don't like you. Full stop. Hopefully, some mature adult in your life helped you understand, "This doesn't mean that you're unlikeable or ugly. It's just life. Some people don't like some people and you may never understand why. You're gonna be okay."
The same goes for being ghosted. It may have nothing to do with you and everything to do with them. There are biological, emotional, even physical reasons that people change. Something like what happened when I got sick after eating corn chowder. To this day, the smell or sight of it makes me nauseous. I can't explain it. I just don't like it and I can't help it. And that has nothing to do with the cook.
2. Treat them like an adult even if they are acting like a child.
Ghosting looks childlike. For them, it feels like a mature decision. As an adult, people have the right to choose their relationships, their friends and their church.
I've had to remind myself of this when someone leaves our church. For me, it's personal. For them, it often isn't. I can't forget their cards of encouragement, their hugs and kind words. I thought we were friends. What I discover is that it's usually not personal for them. They simply made a choice: "We prefer this children's ministry." Or, "We don't want to drive this far anymore. We want a church in our neighborhood." Adults have the right to make those kind of decisions.
This goes for friendship or love. We get to choose our friends. We get to choose who we spend life with. Family? Not so much. God chose our family---like it or not. We can unfriend someone on Facebook. We can't undo the blood bond. Yes, we can draw safe boundaries and sometimes we must. But adults have the right to choose friends--even if they act like a child and ghost you.
3. Pray for them.
There's a reason Jesus said, But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, (Matt. 5:44). And it's not because Jesus was trying to increase our grief or relational difficulty. It's because prayer brings about change.
You and I don't know all the variables that brought about the silent departure. For all you know, it could be tragedy, a secret affair, or an addiction. They likely need God's help. Whatever it was that precipitated the ghosting may be undone through the power of prayer and you may be reconciled.
But the best part? It changes me. When I pray for those who have ghosted me, it softens the callouses of my heart. Compassion that comes from the Holy Spirit begins to flow through me. Like a clogged sink that is filled with the gunk of yesterday's lunch, it's a relief when it swirls down the drain and the sink is clean again. Through prayer, the debris of hurt is cleansed away and compassion begins to flow.
4. Learn the gift of lament.
There's a reason there's a book in the Bible called Lamentations. And the Psalms contain 42 songs of lament, of which 30 are individual. This reminds me that godly people weep. Christians cry. Followers of Jesus grieve.
When you've been ghosted and there appears to be no reconciliation, no explanation and no remedy, one of the best things you can do is have a good cry. Don't ignore the grief. Feel it. Take a day off. Sit near a waterfall or under a big old tree and read one of those psalms of lament. Like Psalm 42.
Consider vv. 3-4:
My tears have been my food
day and night,
while people say to me all day long,
“Where is your God?”
4These things I remember as I pour out my soul.
Pour it out to God in a safe place. Tears, even cries of anguish, are not a sign of a lack of faith. Jesus wept. And no one had more faith than he did.
And finally, a word to those who "ghost." Be big enough to tell the truth. If there's a reason you are ending a relationship, leaving a friendship, exiting a church, then say it. Be concise. Be honest. And be kind. Whatever you sow, you will reap.
Have you been ghosted? How did you cope? What helped? Let me hear from you.
