So the conversation goes something like this, "I don't know if I can come if THEY are going to be here. I'm so frustrated with THEM because they ______________. In fact, there are many people who feel like I do."
Or,
"I have to let you know that I have knowledge that he/she really has a beef with you. I know I would want to know if someone felt this way about me."
Or,
"The word is that they have been doing some pretty inappropriate things. I think we should be concerned."
What should we do with such information? It depends on the answer to these questions:
In the first case, I ask, "Who are the MANY people who "feel like" you do? In the second case, "Have you approached this person to verify the truth?" And one more, "Why are you telling me this?"
What I usually find is that in most cases, the person is unwilling to list the MANY people who feel like they do. And when they aren't, I ask for a time-out in the conversation and say, "I'm happy to listen to how you feel. But unless those others are willing to be here, I don't want to know how they feel." When I ask if they have approached the person who has questionable behavior, usually the answer is, "No." The third question will force the person telling the story to at least think about their motives and will help give you a good course of action for moving forward.
A person coming to you with "concerns" is usually an attempt to create what some call the relationship triangle. Person A talks to Person B in the hopes that they will talk to Person C. And here's why I don't think Christians should resort to such tactics.
1. Gossip is a sin. If it isn't gossip, it's right on the line. Gossip is to tell secrets about someone else without their permission or knowledge. It isn't fair and, for Christians, it's sin. (Romans 1:29b-32)
2. Not only is gossip a sin, it's damaging to reputations. Most of us have been the victim of unsubstantiated rumors. And it stinks. On occasion, I have listened a bit too long and heard a rumor about someone I knew. But because the one who actually witnessed the incident was unwilling to step forward, it couldn't be substantiated. As a result, that shadow is now in my mind regarding that friend and it's possible that it was only gossip. That's sad for our relationship. Gossip hurts. That's why it's a sin.
3. Gossip avoids 'speaking the truth in love' to the person who needs to hear it the most. Consider Matthew 18:15, "If your brother sins against you, go and confront him privately. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over." What I've discovered, is that because most of us don't like confrontation, we want someone else to do it. As a pastor, I've had countless people who want me to do their confrontation for them. And I will not do that. It's counter to Matthew 18 and if you know about the fault, you are the best person to confront them.
4. Gossip usually feeds pride. Often the people who say, "I think you ought to know how they feel about you" are only wanting to improve their image in your eyes. They want to be the 'person in the know.' They want to be the person you can confide in. And here's the truth: they are exactly NOT the person you should confide in. If they are confiding to you about others, you can be sure they are carrying your personal feelings to someone else! Their ego won't let them keep a secret.
Don't get caught in the triangle. Don't let other people make their relational problems your problems to fix. Let's "man up" or "woman up" and speak the truth in love.
