AN ESSENTIAL QUALITY OF A GREAT LEADER: VULNERABILITY

Last November, Frank Reich was back in the news.* He's the guy who led the Buffalo Bills to the greatest comeback in NFL history. Talking to news reporters, he mentioned the song "In Christ Alone" which I had written and credited the lyrics as inspiration for the comeback. At the Dove Awards the following year, I got to meet him. Previously, when I saw Frank on the field on the TV screen, I thought he seemed "smallish." When I stood next to him on that occasion, I felt like a kid in Jr. High. He was actually not smallish at all. He just appeared that way on the screen next to linebackers. Some people are that way. The closer you get to them the bigger they are. 

It's disappointing to get closer to some people. They seem larger than life--that is, until you meet them and they get smaller in your eyes. I'm not talking about physical stature now. But because of their large view of themselves, and how they treat those they consider to be "little people," they actually become smaller. 

How beautiful it is when you get close to others and find them getting bigger in your eyes. You see how they stay flexible when someone disrespects them. You see the kindness they give to the tech team or the audio engineer. Or, how they take time with those the world might view as "little people." 

Recently, we had a guest speaker at our church that has traveled the world. His books are translated into eight languages and have sold multiple thousands. When the meeting was over, instead of hiding in the green room, he was one of the last ones to leave the building, spending time with one teary-eyed Mom who had questions. I saw compassion. I saw humility. 

Later, I commended him on his patience with yet one more who asked questions he had already answered in his lecture. His response? "Ministry off-stage is just as important as on stage." He then asked me to continue to pray for him. He grew bigger in my eyes. 

I've heard and seen this in different ways. I was in a session with Terry Virgo who has preached at meetings of 10,000 plus and impacted 100's of churches around the world. He founded the New Frontiers family of churches which has grown to over 1500 churches in 70 countries. When asked to give an essential quality of a lead elder (pastor), without hesitation he replied, "vulnerability." I would have expected him to say vision, calling, or passion. But vulnerability? He went on to say how vulnerability is essential in order to convey to others how essential their gifts are, how important a team is. If someone thinks themselves self-sufficient, they are disqualified. It's the one who is self-aware enough to know their inadequacy that is actually qualified to lead. Wow. 

There's a scene in "Prince Caspian" when  Lucy sees Aslan after quite a long time. She observes how he has gotten bigger. 

“That is because you are older, little one,” answered he.
“Not because you are?”
“I am not. But every year you grow, you will find me bigger.”
C.S. Lewis, Prince Caspian: The Return to Narnia The Chronicles of Narnia (Harper Collins, 1994)  

Maybe this is what happens when we grow up. We become more aware of our smallness--not our greatness. God gets bigger and we realize as Francis Schaeffer says, with God "there are no little people or little places." 

Here are some tests to discover one's greatness:

 

-- How do you talk to the server at the restaurant when she gets your order wrong? 

-- How do you treat the custodian in the bathroom airport? 

-- How do you react when someone doesn't give you the respect you rightfully deserve? 

-- How do you respond when a child interrupts you? 

-- How do you converse with the phone attendant whose English is difficult to understand? 

Anyone can give honor to the beautiful, the intelligent, or the powerful. But the truly great demonstrate the greater reality: "There are no little people or little places." 

 *https://www.indystar.com/story/sports/nfl/colts/2021/11/21/colts-frank-reich-encourages-in-christ-alone-after-bills-win/8714255002/

  

DON'T OVERREACT TO SPIRITUAL BULLIES

Being bullied is a horrible thing. I've been in those shoes and it's traumatic. I was never much of a fighter, except with my brothers. I never suffered horrible physical abuse, so I can't speak with any authority there. But I've sat in a chair while a spiritual leader reamed me out about what a sorry leader I was. There was a bit of truth in what he said. But his attitude was arrogant, condescending and controlling. At the moment, I was too shocked to defend myself. When confronted by an angry person or a bully, I usually take the "soft answer turns away wrath" approach. When people are angry with good reason, this usually is the best path. But with a bully, you walk away scarred with long-term anxiety and possibly some level of trauma--that is, trauma with a little "t". 

Spiritual abuse is a wicked tool. It combines spiritual authority with control. It can be heavy-handed and insulting, or manipulative and passive-aggressive. Either is sinister and destructive. 

The Jesus-way of leadership is the opposite:  

Then they began to argue among themselves about who would be the greatest among them. 25Jesus told them, “In this world the kings and great men lord it over their people, yet they are called ‘friends of the people.’ 26But among you it will be different. Those who are the greatest among you should take the lowest rank, and the leader should be like a servant. (Luke 22:24-26 NLT)

Jesus calls his disciples to servant leadership. The greatest shall be like a servant. 

The current generation is reacting to several decades of bad leadership. We've witnessed high-profile leaders, pastors, parents and politicians, coaches and sports physicians who have used their position to take advantage of those in their care or tutelage. We've admired strong leaders only to look under the hood and discover secret physical or sexual abuse. I believe God is allowing the exposure of this darkness for the sake of those who need justice. God sees abuse and although He is merciful, He will not suspend His justice forever. 

Andrew Wilson, author and teaching pastor of Kings Church London, relates our current milieu to patterns in the book of Numbers: 

"But perhaps the most striking feature of Numbers, when it comes to pastoral ministry, is the way it warns of opposing dangers at both ends of what we might call the confidence spectrum. Throughout Israel’s history, and indeed the history of the church, God’s people have tended to oscillate between overconfidence (pride, arrogance, self-importance) and underconfidence (unbelief, timidity, fear). Generations typically swing from one to the other, as young people see the flaws of their parents and overreact. Our generation is currently witnessing this sort of pendulum swing..." (Andrew Wilson, "Seven Trials, Two Dangers, and One Underappreciated Book", CT, April 18, 2022)

Until hearing Andrew speak on this, I thought of Numbers as a book of details; of tribes, offerings, civil justice, and prescribed duties. There is also the theme of Israel blowing it and turning to God for deliverance from their enemies. When they repent, God delivers them. In times of prosperity and safety, Israel forgets God and turns to idols. God allows their enemies to oppress them. They turn back to God and say, "Where are you, God?" God saves them. Then the cycle repeats. 

But an equally important message is one regarding leadership and authority. On one hand, there is evidence of overconfidence in Miriam and Aaron's opposition to Moses' leadership in Numbers 12. The tone is, "Moses, who do you think you are? You're too power hungry. You're flawed. We can lead as well as you." Then there is the evidence of underconfidence in Numbers 13-14. "We can't move forward. Compared to our enemies, we're just grasshoppers." While Joshua and Caleb try to inspire the tribes to move out in confidence, the other voices are of despair and faithlessness: "We're gonna die." 

As I stated earlier, there has been a needed correction with regard to heavy-handed leadership tainted with spiritual abuse. God's church has reacted by calling for accountability, transparency, with more layers of people who make decisions. The superman or superwoman leader with multiple gifts is almost seen as a liability today rather than a blessing. Team ministry is celebrated with no one having ultimate power. Again, I think this is mostly a good thing. Correction was needed. 

The downside is the inevitable pendulum swing that Andrew refers to--including a mistrust of anything that smells like authority or looks like an established institution. There is also a danger in nurturing a climate of suspicion for anyone who says, "I'd like to lead. Is there a path to leadership?" 

Spiritual abuse is horrible. Insecure dictators who make decisions behind closed doors without accountability are dangerous. But so is an organization, a church, a family or a business without a leader. If every decision is groupthink, the mission will stall and gifted leaders will disappear or turn to enterprise that may be good, but not where they are needed most. 

We must find our way humbly forward, recognizing this tension. How do we guard against unhealthy egos and rogue dictators? Yet how do we follow commands such as this one:

Have confidence in your leaders and submit to their authority, because they keep watch over you as those who must give an account. Do this so that their work will be a joy, not a burden, for that would be of no benefit to you. (Hebrews 13:17 NIV)

Or this one...

Now we ask you, brothers and sisters, to acknowledge those who work hard among you, who care for you in the Lord and who admonish you. 13Hold them in the highest regard in love because of their work. Live in peace with each other. (1 Thes 5:12,13)

As Timothy Keller often says the answer is not found in a middle way, but a third way. We still need leaders. We still need humble followership. Authority is not an evil concept. Abusive authority is. Aspiring to leadership isn't all selfish ambition. Toxic leadership is well...toxic and sinful. But humble leadership is necessary and helpful. 

God help us not overreact.   

 

FOUR WAYS TO A BETTER MARRIAGE THAT MAY SURPRISE YOU

I have a shelf designated for books on marriage. I'd say I've read 20 or more of them. Some are stellar and worth reading more than once. My top three would be:

• Sacred Marriage by Gary Thomas
• The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman
• Love and Respect by Emerson Eggerichs

If those authors are much more experienced and knowledgeable than I am, why then would I propose four things regarding marriage? Isn't that…presumptuous? Or worse…pretentious? Maybe. But here goes. 

1. Get godly, biblically-literate friends. I don’t mean someone to do coffee with or watch the game. Neither do I mean someone who will commiserate with you about how much of a devil your spouse is. I mean someone you can tell the worst about yourself and then will not shame you but pronounce forgiveness to you and call you to forsake your sin. Whether it’s someone in your small group or a friend from another church. Get one or two “dung buddies” who know the best and worst about you. 

Girl, your spouse cannot be your everything. He's not your girlfriend. Don't expect him to act like one. You need someone else. And guy, you do too. Your wife can be your best friend. But she should not be your ONLY friend. 

2. Read your Bible and pray everyday. Yep. You knew I would say it. And you think, “Gosh, I’ve tried that. It didn’t help.” That's your problem. You tried and then you stopped. I mean it. Open the Book and talk with God EVERYDAY. Yeah, you can miss now and then but don’t quit. Over time, the presence of the Holy Spirit will correct you, shape you and point out what needs to change in you. How do I know? Because it happens to me all the time. 

(I put this as #2 not because it's a second level priority, but so you wouldn't shut me down and say, "He's a pastor. Here he goes about Bible and prayer. I've heard all this before!")

3. Pray together as a couple at least once a week for 30 minutes. Satan will fight you on this! He will find every reason in the world why you can't:

• “I’m not good at praying out loud.” To which I say, “being good at it" is not the point. If you think you’re good it, then you have other problems. 
• “We have nothing to say after 5 minutes of praying for the money and the kids.” Okay. Then wait there in His presence and thank Him for 50 things! Sit on your deck with your coffee and talk with God about all you're experiencing as a couple. Share your gratitude, your worries, and your griefs. You’ll find deep emotional connection with your spouse after pursuing this practice for more than a month. Jesus isn’t impressed with your words and neither is He nervous about silence.
• “We have too much to do to pray.” Maybe you do. So eliminate a TV series or a game app and pray for 30 minutes once a week. 

Guys. Here's a question: Would you take a bullet for your wife? Mostly likely you'll say, yes. Then you have enough courage to pray publicly! Get over yourself. 

4. Get a hobby you both like and do it together. It may be taking a class on photography. Might be deer hunting, cooking or beekeeping. But get at least one hobby you can both enjoy. The best ones are ones you can discover together. But old hobbies work too.  

So there you go! Surprised? Disagree? Then sound off.

Red and Green Apples

It's been a long time since I dated. And I'm grateful. The dating scene exhausted me as a modified introvert. I loathed the generic small talk where you are sizing each other up for compatibility. And it was painful when you came to terms with a reality; we just weren't that into each other, as they say. No amount of arm-twisting or turning on the charisma would change it either. 

This doesn't only apply to dating. It has implications for friendship and evangelism. We may desire friendship with a certain person, but it just doesn't click. A few dinners, gifts or expressions of love are not returned. It's one-way though you want it to be two-way. And it hurts.  

It's hard to accept when after months, sometimes years of prayer, a person remains closed to the gospel. Multiple invitations to church are rejected. You dig. You study. You find common ground. You ask questions, hoping it will help them begin a search. But there are no signs of interest. What do you do? 

Jesus tells a parable in Luke 14 about this dilemma. The story goes that a man plans a dinner party. He "invites many", telling them to save the date. When the time is near and the preparations are finished, he sends word that everything is ready; let's get the party started. "But they all alike began to make excuses," (Luke 14:18). One has purchased real estate. Another bought some farm equipment. The last one, it seems, threw his wife under the bus: "I have married a wife and therefore I cannot come," (Luke 14:20). In some cases, these would be valid reasons. But in this case, Jesus is clear; they were excuses. Bottom line? They didn't want to come. The prep, the cost, the trouble the Giver of the feast had gone to was of no importance to them. Even if he said, "Hey, I've got the best chef. It would mean a lot for you to be there." Their reply was, "Nah. I'm good." 

In a similar way, in Mark 6:11, Jesus tells his disciples to go and announce the kingdom of God: "And if any place will not receive you and they will not listen to you, when you leave, shake off the dust that is on your feet as a testimony against them.” Sound harsh? Maybe. But the point is that time is short. Life is brief. Love people. But understand, not everyone will receive it. When they don't, move on. 

I don't think that means write them off in every case. In other places, scripture tells us to persevere in prayer (1 Sam. 12:23; Romans 1:9). He tells the husband whose wife rejects the faith, to stay if she's willing to stay married. (See 1 Cor. 7:12). This calls for persevering love. "For how do you know, wife, whether you will save your husband? Or how do you know, husband, whether you will save your wife?" (1 Cor 7:16). 

Yet, with friendship and evangelism, there may be wisdom in letting go...at least for now. Turn from the one who keeps saying, "Nah, I'm good" to the one who is hungry for the gospel. Many times I've found that when I turn away, there is someone else that God has put before me. Whether in friendship or evangelism. 

This goes into leadership as well. When you find yourself repeatedly saying, "But they are so gifted." Or, "They have so much natural talent. I don't want to see them waste it." But if they will not respond to invitations to discipleship or leadership, it is wise to pray for them but move on to the hungry. 

• Give me someone who is faithful over someone who is talented. 
• Give me a friend who returns my calls over the one who keeps saying, "I meant to call." 
• Give me a student who is crippled by life but eager to learn over the one who says, "I'm just so busy right now." 

Maybe it's time to leave those green apples on the tree awhile. Let them ripen in God's good time. Pick the ripe, red apple that is right there before you. Don't let the red apple rot while you're keeping your eyes on the green one. 

  

SORROW CAN'T CANCEL JOY

“Jesus, the Son of God, is the man of sorrows, but also the man of complete joy.” (Henri Nouwen, "The Return of the Prodigal)

Just this morning my wife asked me, "How did you sleep?" I'm supposed to answer, good or bad. If I woke up for an hour, then it was bad even though I may have slept a solid six hours before I woke up. 

We often feel that way about joy and sorrow. We're like the kid in the ice cream shop faced with vanilla or chocolate, orange or grape sherbet. You can have one but not both.   

We have good days and bad days. We say, "When will life be normal? Can't I have just one fun day with no problems?" 

I find myself feeling that way during sabbath. I'm not religious about it, but I practice a discipline of ceasing from normal work one 24-hour period every week. I have an agenda in my head to do all the things that fill my tank: reading, piddling in the garage, gardening, a nap, even splitting wood. 

But sometimes, emergencies happen. My loose "agenda" for fun and rest changes abruptly. And I can get frustrated, even to the point of anger. "Well, there goes my sabbath." 

In "The Return of the Prodigal," Henri Nouwen writes how all the sorrow in the world doesn't cancel God's joy. God sees it all: rape, war, child abuse, murder and grief. At the same time, He hears a child's laughter, a choir singing, and a prodigal's prayer. And yet, for Him, one doesn't cancel the other. Jesus, the image of the invisible God, was a man of sorrows and a God of unspeakable joy. He is the widow who finds her one lost coin, the shepherd who finds his one lost sheep and the Father who runs to meet his wayward son. And there is joy in heaven over the one, He says. (see Luke 15)

For us, sadness cancels happiness. Bad news cancels good news. Happy times are here or they're gone. Suffering cancels joy. 

For the last many years, we have held a Good Friday service. We reflect on the cross, and His suffering. We often have sensory stations where you can smell the sour wine, feel the nails, see a crown of thorns. The lighting is low. The songs are more reflective and provoking. We still call it "Good Friday." But the joy is tinged with sorrow and the goodness is bittersweet. 

For many of us, it makes Resurrection Day, even more glorious.

It reminds me that suffering cannot cancel joy. Sadness cannot snuff out the flicker of happiness. An emergency can't ruin a sabbath. The sound of tanks rolling into Ukraine can't drown out the singing of heaven. A funeral dirge can't eliminate the feeling of sunshine on your face. A cloudy day can't ruin the wonder of a field of red tulips. 

The suffering of this temporary world can't cancel true joy.         

Four Ways to Cope When You Are Ghosted

"I don't know what I did but she apparently thinks I do." The older Mom of an adult daughter wept as she told the story. "I thought we had a good relationship. Of course there were moments when we were frustrated and downright angry with each other. But I don't recall any major fight before the long silence." Days, weeks, then months. Nothing. Although the Mom continued to reach out, there was little or no response to any of her calls. And the worst part? No explanation. Until one day the Mom drove to the daughter's house, walked to the door and knocked. When the daughter came to the door, the Mom asked if she could come in. "No. You're not welcome here." When the Mom pleaded and said, "I don't understand. Can we talk?" "No. You know what you did and I won't let it go." Then she shut the door. As far as I know the Mom and the daughter never reconciled. 

I've had experiences like that. Maybe you have. Today they call it being "ghosted." It's when someone suddenly breaks off a friendship or relationship and there is no explanation. When you text or call, there is no response or if there is one, it's one or two words, or worse...an emoticon. Argh. It could be a long-term friendship like one I heard of. Two couples who played cards every other week, frequently had date nights together and went on short road trips. Then after one card game that got a little squirrelly, one couple got ticked off and stormed out the door. Although the other party tried to reconcile, it was over. Silence. A friendship that was years in the making was suddenly over. Ghosted. 

We expect things like this from the world. But it's shocking when it happens in God's family. In my view, it's simply unchristian. How can we "ghost" people and still obey this? 

Make allowance for each other’s faults, and forgive anyone who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others. (Colossians 3:13 NLT) 

Yes, I recognize that some friendships can't be the same after major fallout. Boundaries have to be exercised to maintain emotional safety. That's understandable and healthy. But forgiveness and restoration of relationship are two different things.

Still, how do we cope when we are ghosted? It feels like someone has suddenly gone missing or like we're living with the specter of a loved one's suicide. It's the unanswered questions that you're forced to live with: "What did I do? I don't understand. What about all the years of friendship? Were they faking?"

Here are a few ways to help us cope: 

1. Realize it may have nothing to do with you. 

It's hard the first time you realize not everyone likes you. Usually, it happens as a child or teenager. We begin life thinking that if someone doesn't like us, it's something we did wrong. We correct it. We make up. We move on. But then you discover that there are some people who simply don't like you. Full stop. Hopefully, some mature adult in your life helped you understand, "This doesn't mean that you're unlikeable or ugly. It's just life. Some people don't like some people and you may never understand why. You're gonna be okay." 

The same goes for being ghosted. It may have nothing to do with you and everything to do with them. There are biological, emotional, even physical reasons that people change. Something like what happened when I got sick after eating corn chowder. To this day, the smell or sight of it makes me nauseous. I can't explain it. I just don't like it and I can't help it. And that has nothing to do with the cook. 

2. Treat them like an adult even if they are acting like a child. 

Ghosting looks childlike. For them, it feels like a mature decision. As an adult, people have the right to choose their relationships, their friends and their church. 

I've had to remind myself of this when someone leaves our church. For me, it's personal. For them, it often isn't. I can't forget their cards of encouragement, their hugs and kind words. I thought we were friends. What I discover is that it's usually not personal for them. They simply made a choice: "We prefer this children's ministry." Or, "We don't want to drive this far anymore. We want a church in our neighborhood." Adults have the right to make those kind of decisions. 

This goes for friendship or love. We get to choose our friends. We get to choose who we spend life with. Family? Not so much. God chose our family---like it or not. We can unfriend someone on Facebook. We can't undo the blood bond. Yes, we can draw safe boundaries and sometimes we must. But adults have the right to choose friends--even if they act like a child and ghost you. 

3. Pray for them. 

There's a reason Jesus said, But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, (Matt. 5:44). And it's not because Jesus was trying to increase our grief or relational difficulty. It's because prayer brings about change. 

You and I don't know all the variables that brought about the silent departure. For all you know, it could be tragedy, a secret affair, or an addiction. They likely need God's help. Whatever it was that precipitated the ghosting may be undone through the power of prayer and you may be reconciled. 

But the best part? It changes me. When I pray for those who have ghosted me, it softens the callouses of my heart. Compassion that comes from the Holy Spirit begins to flow through me. Like a clogged sink that is filled with the gunk of yesterday's lunch, it's a relief when it swirls down the drain and the sink is clean again. Through prayer, the debris of hurt is cleansed away and compassion begins to flow. 

4. Learn the gift of lament. 

There's a reason there's a book in the Bible called Lamentations. And the Psalms contain 42 songs of lament, of which 30 are individual. This reminds me that godly people weep. Christians cry. Followers of Jesus grieve. 

When you've been ghosted and there appears to be no reconciliation, no explanation and no remedy, one of the best things you can do is have a good cry. Don't ignore the grief. Feel it. Take a day off. Sit near a waterfall or under a big old tree and read one of those psalms of lament. Like Psalm 42. 

Consider vv. 3-4: 

My tears have been my food

day and night,

while people say to me all day long,

“Where is your God?”

4These things I remember as I pour out my soul.

Pour it out to God in a safe place. Tears, even cries of anguish, are not a sign of a lack of faith. Jesus wept. And no one had more faith than he did. 

And finally, a word to those who "ghost." Be big enough to tell the truth. If there's a reason you are ending a relationship, leaving a friendship, exiting a church, then say it. Be concise. Be honest. And be kind. Whatever you sow, you will reap. 

Have you been ghosted? How did you cope? What helped? Let me hear from you.    

DEHUMANIZING THE IMAGE OF GOD

When I was a kid, late October was the time for the state fair in northwest Louisiana. I remember the strange sensations of the midway. The smell of cotton candy, corn dogs, and Coca-Cola spilled on the hot asphalt. The cacophony of the carousel and the whirling zipper ride with teenage girls screaming with glee. But stranger than all was the loudspeaker blasting the recorded promo in front of the trailer with faded images of the bearded lady, the midget, and others. "Come and witness these strange human oddities," the announcer bellowed. Our family never paused there and my parents never said anything that I recall. We never asked to see the bearded lady or any of her cohorts. And I'm glad. 

Human beings come in all shapes and sizes. Some like me have skinnier legs than others or a bald head. Some have petite noses and beautiful lips. Or bushy eyebrows and no beard. But all have the image of God. 

As a Christian, I am pro-life. I believe that every human, born or pre-born, is marked with an indelible mark of God's handiwork. Yes, the world is broken and flawed. Disease and deformity are real and heartbreaking. Tragedy happens. Sin has left its mark on creation and continues to. But like a dollar bill that has been abused and torn, it still contains a watermark that identifies it as genuine currency of the United States Treasury. The value is still there as marked. 

Every human being still has value—even those we despise: abusers, rapists, and Islamic terrorists. Lying politicians, extremists, and Ponzi-schemers. We all have a list of those we are tempted to put on that "less than human" list. Many of our lists have commonalities. Who doesn't have some disgusting feelings for those who profit from child-porn? Yet, they too, are people who bear the image of God, although distorted by sin and evil. They were once a baby, fragile and crying, dependent on some other human to love and care for them. 

In yet one more political conversation with a seasoned Christian recently, I was saddened at how they spoke of their political enemy. There was the smirk, the scorn, the absolute disgust in their voice; speech that sounded vaguely similar to the announcer on the midway, "Witness the gross deformity of this person!" In every other way, this believer shows compassion for the lost, a love for God and His people. My wife mentioned on the way home, "It's like they don't see a human being behind that political position." I agreed. As much as I disagree with a politician's stance on the issues, saddened by the impact on the land I love, I must not forget that there is a human being behind that rhetoric. 

When have I sinned by forgetting the Imago Dei in someone? 
--the popular preacher who twists God's Word for financial gain
--the guy who collects welfare and abuses the system, even though he could work
--the rude server, flight attendant, or receptionist
--the panhandler who degrades my neighborhood by standing on the corner with a sign

I am not immune to dehumanizing the people I don't like. Wouldn't the world be better without them? That's not for me to decide, any more than it is for me to support abortion. Being pro-life compels me to find value in every person, from the womb to the tomb. 

"In the image of God, He created them" (Gen. 1:27).